Insights

"I'm home now," he said.

"How did it go," I asked. 

"Stressful," he responded. 

Assuming that would have been his response, I ask him if he wants to go out. Just for walk leading no particular place and just see where we end up. Walking with him I felt at peace, like nothing else mattered in the world and I could have continued all night despite the 20 degree weather we were in. Then he comments on his hands being cold and I decide maybe we should start heading back. 

It must be this park or this road but whenever we are near it, he always starts to talk about his need to be outside of society. Away from all the conformities it brings with it. I don't particularly enjoy this society we live in either (that's up for a debatable blog) so I understand completely where he is coming from. Can't say I completely understand his thoughts but I still try to remain supportive and give a listening ear. 

Listening ear? *chuckle* Something I mostly did tonight. I was even asked at one point if he should stop talking about it. I guess the silence was making him uncomfortable. I just didn't know what words to speak, how to form my thoughts into words without coming off as a total bitch who wanted to be in "control". 

That's not even it. I don't want control of what he does. I don't want to control how he thinks, feels, or acts but some part of me wants to control the fact he stays in some distance to me so I can see him IF it was an absolute necessity. I'm scared for my future with him but I KNOW I can't go longer than two days without seeing him. Without hugging him. Without talking to him. Without looking into the window of his soul - his eyes. 

I NEED him in my life. 

I, also, KNOW, I need to be understanding and patient with him, as he is still figuring things out. Finding his purpose. Searching for his calling. And I want to be supportive of his choices. But how? I ask this often, what can I do? I suppose just wait. 

But wanting to go on a journey to "rewriting his life" with no destination frightens me. Not knowing where he'll go, where he'll stop, when he'll be back. It all allows me to slip into the depths of my "dark place" - a place I haven't been in a long time. A place I had feared. A place of negativity. 

Am I loosing him right in front of me? Is he sooner or later going to return to his hermit like state and cut me out of his life? He says that I'm in his life plan - I am not written out of it and he knows this to be true. However, I don't believe this is a "have your cake and eat it too" situation. 

There is a chance while he travels the winding path(s) to discovery and answers - he'll grow out of it to live a fulfulling life in an atmosphere that is suitable for a child and acceptable to me. Where he'll adapt as he gets more positive real world experience. But, will he feel like a prisoner? Will he be just someone who lives life "coping" with his condition or will he feel contentment having the best of both worlds - Me and away from society. 

I have faith and hope for the latter. I will never loose this. I look forward to the day we can frolic to our backyard and have picnics in the middle of the woods with just the sound of the birds and whistling of the trees. 

Finding Purpose

I've been meaning to continue my "Finding Solace" post with Chapter Two but right now,  I need to express myself on finding oneself, or as some people label it - your purpose in life.

I know for a long time I didn't feel like I belonged, that I was meant for something grander, something better than the life I was living in Meadville, PA. I had a long journey (exactly five years) until I was able to accomplish this. And even then, I'm still setting the foundation on that but I now know what I was made for and who I am.

Finding oneself or finding your purpose can feel like a wandering burden; where you meander around aimlessly. But one thing to realize is if you continue to seek for your purpose without being true to yourself - it will only lead you to disappointment.

You hold the power to finding oneself, not the Universe, not money, not materialistic things, not other people ... YOU! It can't be searched upon because you already hold it. You just gotta open your soul, completely. Let it fray away from the negativity.

Negative seeds have been sown into our hearts and as we grow up these negative seeds begin to grow and get stronger and more difficult to get rid of. But it's possible. You got to have faith and stay true to yourself. Pay attention to the signs, to YOUR situation. No one else knows it better than you.

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And this is a change of topic but my hormones are getting the best of me and I can't concentrate on this post anymore. Until next time.

Finding Solace - Chapter One

There has been a lot going on in my life since my last post in March.

With some baffling clues, I have begun a new journey that doesn't involve New York - a journey that motivates me by faith and have trust within the Universe. However, this turbulence that I have endured has been making my mind wander rampant.

What will happen? Where will I end up? How many more obstacles do I have to entangle before my "peace" is presented? When?

Over-thinking and worrying about the future is something I know that I shouldn't be dwelling on. What is to happen will surely happen. Just as it's meant to. Karma, Fate ... these are two words that I strongly believe will shape the outcome of my future. And boy, does fate ever seem present now.

"If you were to ever have a second chance at love would you take it?" Words muttered to me just a short few months before I moved back to my home-town. If I was asked then what I know now about being granted this opportunity I would have laughed.

Now let's rewind for a brief, or maybe not so brief, moment to five years ago.

Let me set the scene for you:  There I am sitting on the couch waiting to leave for work and jabs of piercing words shoot through the air at each other. Ending with me returning my engagement ring. Mere seconds after, I'm being summoned out to my friends van to shuffle off to work and my heart is bleeding. Little did I know, by walking out of that door that day, I lost my heart and that it was going to bring the roughest years to come. The loneliest, painful five years to be exact.

I jumped from a relationship after this, only to delve into yet another and end up getting married. Now, don't get me wrong this marriage was far from horrible. But I still was not happy in this marriage. I held on thinking it would get better and then I started to pick at all the negative qualities my husband had because I was trying to find some sort of reason why I had been so unhappy. I felt lost and alone - even tho I was in an intimate relationship with someone.

By coming to terms with things weren't going to get better, I felt myself slipping away from holding onto that hope - that little piece of flame that was there still - only to come crashing down and feeling completely disconnected from my husband.  Yet, I remained with him. Waiting for the day that I would find my heart again. Hoping. Waiting. Fighting without knowing how to win.

We struggled, we spit venom at each other and sometimes it was just downright ugly. After 4 years, we decide to uproot ourselves and move to New York - to work on our relationship in a more comfortable surrounding. It worked for awhile, then old feeling started to revisit themselves again.

Why was I so eager to divorce him after all we've been through? Why was I still feeling lost and alone? And a new question that presented itself - Why do I keep dreaming about Troy?

The dreams started five days after I moved to New York and felt so real that half the time I woke up, I would go looking to see if he was there. And in my mind I KNEW he wasn't but yet in my heart I felt disappointed. After 7 months of living there, I tell my husband I want a divorce.

After numerous lengthy conversations, I end up moving back to my home-town. And I drove away I felt as if my soul was carrying me to a better place, even though I knew in my mind that this place I grew up in was very "ghetto" . I didn't hesitate to look back to see the look on his face, I didn't have any doubts that this was what I was meant to do but yet I still felt like a failure. I had failed at being a wife and the perfect mother to my daughter.

Upon arriving to my mothers place, where I currently reside, I start to have visions of me meeting up with Troy, seeing how we used to sit next to each other playing video games, him singing songs to me on Guitar Hero, our walks in the forest and the videos we would make, some embarrassing things that had happened to him (I don't dare mention them here)  - it came rushing back like a tsunami.

After 5 days of not being able to get him out of my head and the need to hear his voice again, I contact him on Facebook. I knew I had to find my closure, answers to questions I had, and most importantly to ease the pain I had left behind. I needed to set things right because I knew in my "heart" that I needed to explain to him what happened 5 years ago and why I left the way I did.

To my much surprise; he responds with his phone number. Of course, I don't even finish reading the message just saw the number and called him. We met up and hugging him for the first time in 5 years wasn't what I had expected. It was better than I expected. I had this increasing urge that kept getting strong to just kiss him and blurt out, "I love you". But he had a girlfriend. I couldn't do that. So instead I just kept requesting hugs and to my surprise he kept allowing them.

The next morning brought hope with it. Our previous conversations had revealed some things he felt would have been problematic in me wanting to further pursuing a friendship with him but this morning. - a letter hand delivered had told me otherwise. That this friendship wasn't what he wanted, or rather didn't think he could endure for he still had strong feelings for me. He wanted to be with me, was willing to leave his current girlfriend for me.

I knew what I wanted as soon as I read the letter, I wanted to jump in his arms and tell him what I really wanted to the previous day. Alas, I held back.

I didn't hold back for long, Less than a week after that letter, he broke up with his girlfriend - something that I anticipated would have taken longer.  So here I am back at the previous statement a friend had asked me shortly before my arrival here. "If you had a second chance at love would you take it?"

Simply answer. Clearly. Yes.

With it tho, you would think that there would be fear of the old mistakes presenting themselves again. However, I can't speak for him and how he feels on this matter, but for me - I don't have any fears, qualms, concerns, or any jealousy. I feel none of that.

So I end this Chapter with something that I'm experiencing now and some advice.

When a second chance, is presented into your life again, you want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes that caused the first try to fail.  You have to leave past grudges behind and focus on what DOES work. And most importantly, communicate a lot more.

Chapter Two soon to come.