Insights

"I'm home now," he said.

"How did it go," I asked. 

"Stressful," he responded. 

Assuming that would have been his response, I ask him if he wants to go out. Just for walk leading no particular place and just see where we end up. Walking with him I felt at peace, like nothing else mattered in the world and I could have continued all night despite the 20 degree weather we were in. Then he comments on his hands being cold and I decide maybe we should start heading back. 

It must be this park or this road but whenever we are near it, he always starts to talk about his need to be outside of society. Away from all the conformities it brings with it. I don't particularly enjoy this society we live in either (that's up for a debatable blog) so I understand completely where he is coming from. Can't say I completely understand his thoughts but I still try to remain supportive and give a listening ear. 

Listening ear? *chuckle* Something I mostly did tonight. I was even asked at one point if he should stop talking about it. I guess the silence was making him uncomfortable. I just didn't know what words to speak, how to form my thoughts into words without coming off as a total bitch who wanted to be in "control". 

That's not even it. I don't want control of what he does. I don't want to control how he thinks, feels, or acts but some part of me wants to control the fact he stays in some distance to me so I can see him IF it was an absolute necessity. I'm scared for my future with him but I KNOW I can't go longer than two days without seeing him. Without hugging him. Without talking to him. Without looking into the window of his soul - his eyes. 

I NEED him in my life. 

I, also, KNOW, I need to be understanding and patient with him, as he is still figuring things out. Finding his purpose. Searching for his calling. And I want to be supportive of his choices. But how? I ask this often, what can I do? I suppose just wait. 

But wanting to go on a journey to "rewriting his life" with no destination frightens me. Not knowing where he'll go, where he'll stop, when he'll be back. It all allows me to slip into the depths of my "dark place" - a place I haven't been in a long time. A place I had feared. A place of negativity. 

Am I loosing him right in front of me? Is he sooner or later going to return to his hermit like state and cut me out of his life? He says that I'm in his life plan - I am not written out of it and he knows this to be true. However, I don't believe this is a "have your cake and eat it too" situation. 

There is a chance while he travels the winding path(s) to discovery and answers - he'll grow out of it to live a fulfulling life in an atmosphere that is suitable for a child and acceptable to me. Where he'll adapt as he gets more positive real world experience. But, will he feel like a prisoner? Will he be just someone who lives life "coping" with his condition or will he feel contentment having the best of both worlds - Me and away from society. 

I have faith and hope for the latter. I will never loose this. I look forward to the day we can frolic to our backyard and have picnics in the middle of the woods with just the sound of the birds and whistling of the trees.