I'm Not Done Yet

Admitting one of the most shameful things EVER uttered from my mouth took more energy out of me than I had realized it would. Shortly after confiding in the ONLY person I ever told this to; I had to walk home. Fell a few times, had to sit down at one point and just take a few deep breaths. I just wanted to go home and hide away under my covers and ... sleep it off.

But unfortunately I couldn't.

I'm constantly told to not be so hard on myself, to believe in myself but the beast inside me is a constant work in progress. Until then I'll go on feeling as if I'm a failure.

Truth Behind My Eyes

My past. Something that I have feared to talk about to anyone and attempted to just tonight. I couldn't. I got all choked up - held back tears, then instantly felt guilty that I couldn't share something so deep of myself with one of the people (my daughter the other) that means the world to me.

I didn't know where to begin, what should I start with. Everything that happened in the past 5 years came rushing back to me like a tornado pulling away people's lives. Bit by bit my sewn together heart started to unravel. I hung there desperately struggling to put aside those thoughts and feelings, alas I couldn't.

The truth behind my eyes is I'm not as happy as my persona makes it out to be. My thoughts are a constant bewilderment to me. I struggle with words to my expressions in fear of saying the wrong thing. I've lived in a world of "damned if I do, damned if I don't"; always feeling like I couldn't do anything right. I apologize for merely everything. I always think I'm the cause or reason behind someone's anger or sadness.  Something that still has a hold on me. I don't want it like this.

I've always been misunderstood for as long as I could remember. I've only met two people I could truly be my authentic self with. I lost this person somewhere down the "5 year path". And at times I briefly see a glimpse of this person but then it fades as my memories evade my mind. Memories that I'm not proud of, ones that I caused, ones that I didn't but still hold it's ugly glare on me like flies stuck to glue-tape.

"I love my memories, but they have a way of controlling me at times" - Soja. 

Now, for my past? What happened you ask? Well, what I went through is something that is really hard for me to talk about, I don't know when I'll be ready to share.

But I will end this on a happy note: I now know why I moved back to my troubled, shitty home-town (where there are NO opportunities to make a name for myself). To find myself again. Going back to my roots. And what's refreshing about this is the most important person in my life, my rock - Gets to see this transformation.

I guess you could say that: We are each other's support in learning how to be. 

"The cure for pain is in the pain."

The last few days my meditation practices have felt very off, and I can't help but to think that its a direct correlation to the way I'm feeling in my life as well. The amount of thoughts on my mind surpasses the words I actually utter and its no wonder that its now seeping into all aspects of my life, especially those aspects where I usually find peace and clarity.

Being able to move back to my home town and having my mothers (and my rock's) support has been wonderful, but now that I have to "pucker up" and come back to reality -- things really have started to get real for me. Especially this last week.

Even with my firm belief that all things happen for a reason, my mind refuses to rest. I guess when you feel you've lost something as precious as what I feel I have lost (I sincerely hope I haven't), you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever find or feel something quite like it again.

I, also, found that once a fear, or weakness enters into my practice, it is a sign to me that it is important and relevant and it must be addressed. Once it reaches my full consciousness I can release it and allow it to enlighten me. Until then, I must have faith in this pain and wait.

I'm in the last leg of the race, and just need to continue to push through and create space that is allowing for further enlightenment within these concerns and fears. There is something for me to learn here, I can feel it. There is a light at the end of the road, now I just need to open my heart to it and remember that:

“The cure for pain is in the pain.”

― Rumi

Implications of Waiting

A couple posts ago I was questioning myself how to be supportive and what it is I could do. And the answers were all there in front of me. Not only is it to have the patience of waiting. It goes deeper than that.

Love. Love him enough to let him go. Go on this walk. Set him free to seek these answers. And remain by his side. It may not be physically but I will be there. In his heart, mind, and both in mine. 

Dear "My Rock", 

           When you find these answers to questions unknown, your Snowflake will remain here waiting patiently. Just like I did the past 5 years, just like I did when 'she' needed your time and we couldn't have enough time, just like when you needed your thoughts unclouded. I won't give up on you - or us. 

          You can try to push me away, make claims or voice your fears that I'm not strong enough, deny your desire for us and say it can't be but I will NEVER let the walls come between you and me. You're afraid of your dark side, the harm that you may cause. I have never feared you. 

         I love all that you are. Protest all you like, but you will not get far. You can never change my mind. My heart will stay true. Promise. 

                                                                                     Love Always and Forever, Your Snowflake

If you truly love someone, all you want is for them to be happy, even if deep down, all you want is for you to be their happiness. 

Distant Lover ...

... but not so distant in location.

You need time to get a hold of your emotions. Are you afraid to say something you regret? Or just can't find the proper words?

It's been 2 days. I've been patient. I will still be patient but I know it won't be healthy for me to hold out forever with this patience and not ask you to give me a direct answer...to make a choice.

Stay or Leave. ?

After that choice is made then we can barter about the conditions.


I DO know one thing. I love you! I always have, I still do and always will. I didn't know why I felt so unhappy in my previous relationship and why I just couldn't let things go - it was the pain holding me back and then I came here and things were lifted. Things made sense finally. You were the reason I couldn't move on. I was holding onto you. Holding on to the love we had - the love I hope we still could have.


Please don't leave.

Waiting for the winds to change.