I'm Not Done Yet

Admitting one of the most shameful things EVER uttered from my mouth took more energy out of me than I had realized it would. Shortly after confiding in the ONLY person I ever told this to; I had to walk home. Fell a few times, had to sit down at one point and just take a few deep breaths. I just wanted to go home and hide away under my covers and ... sleep it off.

But unfortunately I couldn't.

I'm constantly told to not be so hard on myself, to believe in myself but the beast inside me is a constant work in progress. Until then I'll go on feeling as if I'm a failure.

Truth Behind My Eyes

My past. Something that I have feared to talk about to anyone and attempted to just tonight. I couldn't. I got all choked up - held back tears, then instantly felt guilty that I couldn't share something so deep of myself with one of the people (my daughter the other) that means the world to me.

I didn't know where to begin, what should I start with. Everything that happened in the past 5 years came rushing back to me like a tornado pulling away people's lives. Bit by bit my sewn together heart started to unravel. I hung there desperately struggling to put aside those thoughts and feelings, alas I couldn't.

The truth behind my eyes is I'm not as happy as my persona makes it out to be. My thoughts are a constant bewilderment to me. I struggle with words to my expressions in fear of saying the wrong thing. I've lived in a world of "damned if I do, damned if I don't"; always feeling like I couldn't do anything right. I apologize for merely everything. I always think I'm the cause or reason behind someone's anger or sadness.  Something that still has a hold on me. I don't want it like this.

I've always been misunderstood for as long as I could remember. I've only met two people I could truly be my authentic self with. I lost this person somewhere down the "5 year path". And at times I briefly see a glimpse of this person but then it fades as my memories evade my mind. Memories that I'm not proud of, ones that I caused, ones that I didn't but still hold it's ugly glare on me like flies stuck to glue-tape.

"I love my memories, but they have a way of controlling me at times" - Soja. 

Now, for my past? What happened you ask? Well, what I went through is something that is really hard for me to talk about, I don't know when I'll be ready to share.

But I will end this on a happy note: I now know why I moved back to my troubled, shitty home-town (where there are NO opportunities to make a name for myself). To find myself again. Going back to my roots. And what's refreshing about this is the most important person in my life, my rock - Gets to see this transformation.

I guess you could say that: We are each other's support in learning how to be. 

"The cure for pain is in the pain."

The last few days my meditation practices have felt very off, and I can't help but to think that its a direct correlation to the way I'm feeling in my life as well. The amount of thoughts on my mind surpasses the words I actually utter and its no wonder that its now seeping into all aspects of my life, especially those aspects where I usually find peace and clarity.

Being able to move back to my home town and having my mothers (and my rock's) support has been wonderful, but now that I have to "pucker up" and come back to reality -- things really have started to get real for me. Especially this last week.

Even with my firm belief that all things happen for a reason, my mind refuses to rest. I guess when you feel you've lost something as precious as what I feel I have lost (I sincerely hope I haven't), you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever find or feel something quite like it again.

I, also, found that once a fear, or weakness enters into my practice, it is a sign to me that it is important and relevant and it must be addressed. Once it reaches my full consciousness I can release it and allow it to enlighten me. Until then, I must have faith in this pain and wait.

I'm in the last leg of the race, and just need to continue to push through and create space that is allowing for further enlightenment within these concerns and fears. There is something for me to learn here, I can feel it. There is a light at the end of the road, now I just need to open my heart to it and remember that:

“The cure for pain is in the pain.”

― Rumi

Implications of Waiting

A couple posts ago I was questioning myself how to be supportive and what it is I could do. And the answers were all there in front of me. Not only is it to have the patience of waiting. It goes deeper than that.

Love. Love him enough to let him go. Go on this walk. Set him free to seek these answers. And remain by his side. It may not be physically but I will be there. In his heart, mind, and both in mine. 

Dear "My Rock", 

           When you find these answers to questions unknown, your Snowflake will remain here waiting patiently. Just like I did the past 5 years, just like I did when 'she' needed your time and we couldn't have enough time, just like when you needed your thoughts unclouded. I won't give up on you - or us. 

          You can try to push me away, make claims or voice your fears that I'm not strong enough, deny your desire for us and say it can't be but I will NEVER let the walls come between you and me. You're afraid of your dark side, the harm that you may cause. I have never feared you. 

         I love all that you are. Protest all you like, but you will not get far. You can never change my mind. My heart will stay true. Promise. 

                                                                                     Love Always and Forever, Your Snowflake

If you truly love someone, all you want is for them to be happy, even if deep down, all you want is for you to be their happiness. 

Distant Lover ...

... but not so distant in location.

You need time to get a hold of your emotions. Are you afraid to say something you regret? Or just can't find the proper words?

It's been 2 days. I've been patient. I will still be patient but I know it won't be healthy for me to hold out forever with this patience and not ask you to give me a direct answer...to make a choice.

Stay or Leave. ?

After that choice is made then we can barter about the conditions.


I DO know one thing. I love you! I always have, I still do and always will. I didn't know why I felt so unhappy in my previous relationship and why I just couldn't let things go - it was the pain holding me back and then I came here and things were lifted. Things made sense finally. You were the reason I couldn't move on. I was holding onto you. Holding on to the love we had - the love I hope we still could have.


Please don't leave.

Waiting for the winds to change.

Insights

"I'm home now," he said.

"How did it go," I asked. 

"Stressful," he responded. 

Assuming that would have been his response, I ask him if he wants to go out. Just for walk leading no particular place and just see where we end up. Walking with him I felt at peace, like nothing else mattered in the world and I could have continued all night despite the 20 degree weather we were in. Then he comments on his hands being cold and I decide maybe we should start heading back. 

It must be this park or this road but whenever we are near it, he always starts to talk about his need to be outside of society. Away from all the conformities it brings with it. I don't particularly enjoy this society we live in either (that's up for a debatable blog) so I understand completely where he is coming from. Can't say I completely understand his thoughts but I still try to remain supportive and give a listening ear. 

Listening ear? *chuckle* Something I mostly did tonight. I was even asked at one point if he should stop talking about it. I guess the silence was making him uncomfortable. I just didn't know what words to speak, how to form my thoughts into words without coming off as a total bitch who wanted to be in "control". 

That's not even it. I don't want control of what he does. I don't want to control how he thinks, feels, or acts but some part of me wants to control the fact he stays in some distance to me so I can see him IF it was an absolute necessity. I'm scared for my future with him but I KNOW I can't go longer than two days without seeing him. Without hugging him. Without talking to him. Without looking into the window of his soul - his eyes. 

I NEED him in my life. 

I, also, KNOW, I need to be understanding and patient with him, as he is still figuring things out. Finding his purpose. Searching for his calling. And I want to be supportive of his choices. But how? I ask this often, what can I do? I suppose just wait. 

But wanting to go on a journey to "rewriting his life" with no destination frightens me. Not knowing where he'll go, where he'll stop, when he'll be back. It all allows me to slip into the depths of my "dark place" - a place I haven't been in a long time. A place I had feared. A place of negativity. 

Am I loosing him right in front of me? Is he sooner or later going to return to his hermit like state and cut me out of his life? He says that I'm in his life plan - I am not written out of it and he knows this to be true. However, I don't believe this is a "have your cake and eat it too" situation. 

There is a chance while he travels the winding path(s) to discovery and answers - he'll grow out of it to live a fulfulling life in an atmosphere that is suitable for a child and acceptable to me. Where he'll adapt as he gets more positive real world experience. But, will he feel like a prisoner? Will he be just someone who lives life "coping" with his condition or will he feel contentment having the best of both worlds - Me and away from society. 

I have faith and hope for the latter. I will never loose this. I look forward to the day we can frolic to our backyard and have picnics in the middle of the woods with just the sound of the birds and whistling of the trees. 

Finding Purpose

I've been meaning to continue my "Finding Solace" post with Chapter Two but right now,  I need to express myself on finding oneself, or as some people label it - your purpose in life.

I know for a long time I didn't feel like I belonged, that I was meant for something grander, something better than the life I was living in Meadville, PA. I had a long journey (exactly five years) until I was able to accomplish this. And even then, I'm still setting the foundation on that but I now know what I was made for and who I am.

Finding oneself or finding your purpose can feel like a wandering burden; where you meander around aimlessly. But one thing to realize is if you continue to seek for your purpose without being true to yourself - it will only lead you to disappointment.

You hold the power to finding oneself, not the Universe, not money, not materialistic things, not other people ... YOU! It can't be searched upon because you already hold it. You just gotta open your soul, completely. Let it fray away from the negativity.

Negative seeds have been sown into our hearts and as we grow up these negative seeds begin to grow and get stronger and more difficult to get rid of. But it's possible. You got to have faith and stay true to yourself. Pay attention to the signs, to YOUR situation. No one else knows it better than you.

 -----

And this is a change of topic but my hormones are getting the best of me and I can't concentrate on this post anymore. Until next time.

Finding Solace - Chapter One

There has been a lot going on in my life since my last post in March.

With some baffling clues, I have begun a new journey that doesn't involve New York - a journey that motivates me by faith and have trust within the Universe. However, this turbulence that I have endured has been making my mind wander rampant.

What will happen? Where will I end up? How many more obstacles do I have to entangle before my "peace" is presented? When?

Over-thinking and worrying about the future is something I know that I shouldn't be dwelling on. What is to happen will surely happen. Just as it's meant to. Karma, Fate ... these are two words that I strongly believe will shape the outcome of my future. And boy, does fate ever seem present now.

"If you were to ever have a second chance at love would you take it?" Words muttered to me just a short few months before I moved back to my home-town. If I was asked then what I know now about being granted this opportunity I would have laughed.

Now let's rewind for a brief, or maybe not so brief, moment to five years ago.

Let me set the scene for you:  There I am sitting on the couch waiting to leave for work and jabs of piercing words shoot through the air at each other. Ending with me returning my engagement ring. Mere seconds after, I'm being summoned out to my friends van to shuffle off to work and my heart is bleeding. Little did I know, by walking out of that door that day, I lost my heart and that it was going to bring the roughest years to come. The loneliest, painful five years to be exact.

I jumped from a relationship after this, only to delve into yet another and end up getting married. Now, don't get me wrong this marriage was far from horrible. But I still was not happy in this marriage. I held on thinking it would get better and then I started to pick at all the negative qualities my husband had because I was trying to find some sort of reason why I had been so unhappy. I felt lost and alone - even tho I was in an intimate relationship with someone.

By coming to terms with things weren't going to get better, I felt myself slipping away from holding onto that hope - that little piece of flame that was there still - only to come crashing down and feeling completely disconnected from my husband.  Yet, I remained with him. Waiting for the day that I would find my heart again. Hoping. Waiting. Fighting without knowing how to win.

We struggled, we spit venom at each other and sometimes it was just downright ugly. After 4 years, we decide to uproot ourselves and move to New York - to work on our relationship in a more comfortable surrounding. It worked for awhile, then old feeling started to revisit themselves again.

Why was I so eager to divorce him after all we've been through? Why was I still feeling lost and alone? And a new question that presented itself - Why do I keep dreaming about Troy?

The dreams started five days after I moved to New York and felt so real that half the time I woke up, I would go looking to see if he was there. And in my mind I KNEW he wasn't but yet in my heart I felt disappointed. After 7 months of living there, I tell my husband I want a divorce.

After numerous lengthy conversations, I end up moving back to my home-town. And I drove away I felt as if my soul was carrying me to a better place, even though I knew in my mind that this place I grew up in was very "ghetto" . I didn't hesitate to look back to see the look on his face, I didn't have any doubts that this was what I was meant to do but yet I still felt like a failure. I had failed at being a wife and the perfect mother to my daughter.

Upon arriving to my mothers place, where I currently reside, I start to have visions of me meeting up with Troy, seeing how we used to sit next to each other playing video games, him singing songs to me on Guitar Hero, our walks in the forest and the videos we would make, some embarrassing things that had happened to him (I don't dare mention them here)  - it came rushing back like a tsunami.

After 5 days of not being able to get him out of my head and the need to hear his voice again, I contact him on Facebook. I knew I had to find my closure, answers to questions I had, and most importantly to ease the pain I had left behind. I needed to set things right because I knew in my "heart" that I needed to explain to him what happened 5 years ago and why I left the way I did.

To my much surprise; he responds with his phone number. Of course, I don't even finish reading the message just saw the number and called him. We met up and hugging him for the first time in 5 years wasn't what I had expected. It was better than I expected. I had this increasing urge that kept getting strong to just kiss him and blurt out, "I love you". But he had a girlfriend. I couldn't do that. So instead I just kept requesting hugs and to my surprise he kept allowing them.

The next morning brought hope with it. Our previous conversations had revealed some things he felt would have been problematic in me wanting to further pursuing a friendship with him but this morning. - a letter hand delivered had told me otherwise. That this friendship wasn't what he wanted, or rather didn't think he could endure for he still had strong feelings for me. He wanted to be with me, was willing to leave his current girlfriend for me.

I knew what I wanted as soon as I read the letter, I wanted to jump in his arms and tell him what I really wanted to the previous day. Alas, I held back.

I didn't hold back for long, Less than a week after that letter, he broke up with his girlfriend - something that I anticipated would have taken longer.  So here I am back at the previous statement a friend had asked me shortly before my arrival here. "If you had a second chance at love would you take it?"

Simply answer. Clearly. Yes.

With it tho, you would think that there would be fear of the old mistakes presenting themselves again. However, I can't speak for him and how he feels on this matter, but for me - I don't have any fears, qualms, concerns, or any jealousy. I feel none of that.

So I end this Chapter with something that I'm experiencing now and some advice.

When a second chance, is presented into your life again, you want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes that caused the first try to fail.  You have to leave past grudges behind and focus on what DOES work. And most importantly, communicate a lot more.

Chapter Two soon to come.

Interview tomorrow

Things seem to be feeling more and more like "home" the longer I've been exposing myself to the community. I was thinking of going to the main office to the apartment complex I'm currently staying in to see if there was any sort of odd jobs I could do around the neighbourhood - not for extra money (although that would be nice, but to just meet people and be a good Samaritan).

I'm feeling pretty good about myself over the past three days. I had a call from a potential employer whom I had a half interview screening, half small talk conversation with that last 33 minutes. I was shocked  It's nice to know that honesty can you get you far in this life; when you meet the right people. This guy (don't want to mention names) seemed to be very outgoing and conscientious of his recruiting. Something that I do admire. He was talking about having drive and working hard in this position I'm applying for and with further pondering of the mind - I know this is something I CAN do. I WILL do!  I think I found my niche.

I say found my niche, even tho the position I'm applying for is not in the publishing industry, because I'm thinking outside the box here. I can see a path to lead to my "dream" job while still being within the company parameters.

Why put the word dream in quotations? Well, simply because of something I had said on this phone call. I had said that my dream job was to work for Cosmopolitan. Upon delving more into what I *meant* to say  ... I simply want to work in the industry of publishing or dealing with words (proofreading or editing) in some form. I think in a round-about way that is what he was asking me when he questioned me about what I would be doing exactly at Cosmo.

I've always had a passion for words; correcting my peers grammar, punctuation and spelling or even doing their English assignments (even for people not in my class or college students while I was in high-school). I wanted to be on the school newspaper committee but wasn't accepted as I was pretty much a social outcast. I didn't even get accepted into the yearbook committee. Most likely, because I wasn't part of the photography club. I'll never know.

Rantings aside, I must get to bed as it is 1:30 AM. I need my beauty sleep for this interview tomorrow.

Moved to New York

So many things have lead me to move to New York. Most important reason - Opportunity.


I've been here in Webster, NY for just a little under a week and overall I've had great interactions with people in the community, minus those three impatient people I ran into. One at Friendlies restaurant (it was another costumer whom could not wait 10 seconds for me to pull up my pants), the post office and the photocopy store.

I've applied to seven jobs online, one in person (even had an interview in the same day), and plan on going to a handful of places in person to apply. The one with the interview told me he'd call me back on Sunday; I waited until 8:00 pm before I called myself. I was told to call back in an hour. I did and was told that the guy who gave me an interview would call me back the next day. I had to go out for a few hours and he could have called while I was out but would never know - don't have an answering machine. I did call when I got home but it just rang and rang. No answer. Finally came to the conclusion that I don't want to put a lot of energy into someone who seems to be avoiding me like the plaque. I'm going to apply to some in person tomorrow.

On a side note, I need to find some other mothers/friends in the area.